Saturday, May 12, 2012

1 spam email (not to be confused with 1 missed call)

*On the 7th of May I received a distressing email. The subject alone, SOMEONE YOU KNOW WANTS YOU DEAD, had my heart doing a serious case of the palpitations, and for a moment I had to sit back as my life flashed before my eyes. There are so many things I still want to do, place I want to visit, and people I want to meet. Surely the sender of this email knows this, hence the warning.  But alas, I have been betrayed by somebody I know.

Maybe you, dear reader, can help shed some light on the contents of this email, as I am too overwrought by the thought of my imminent death to think clearly.

Please find below an exact copy of what I received. As much as it pains me to share the plans for my demise with the universe, I also know that I must if it'll mean my salvation. Thank you for reading.

***

You have been betrayed!!! It’s a pity that this how your life is going
to come to an end as your death had already been paid for by someone
who is very close to you from all investigations.

I have ordered 3 (three) of my men to monitor every move of you and
make sure you are not out of sight till the date of your
assassination.

According to the report I gets, you seem to be innocent about what you
have been accuse but I have no business with that, so that’s why am
contacting you to know if truly you are innocent and how much you
value your life.

Get back to me if you sure want to live on, ignore this mail only if
you feel it’s a joke or just a threat.

Don’t forget your days on earth are numbered, so you have the chance
to live if only you will comply with me.

WARNING: Tell no one about this mail to you because he or she might
just be the person who wants you dead, and if that happens, I will be
aware and am going to make sure you DIE instantly.

I will give you every detail of where to be and how to take any
actions be it legal or illegal, that’s only when I read from you.

You need to stay calm and act unaware of this situation and follow
instructions because any move you make that is suspicious; you will

DIE as your days are numbered.

Lucky You

Toodle Pip!

Spike Dwaggin
International Assassin / Slayer

*** 

I've decided to comment on the above letter of my forthcoming death, and give my opinion on what is being said(you will find my remarks in glaring red).

You have been betrayed!!! (What? Not again. Just today I turned a year older when it was supposed to have stopped at the age of 21) It’s a pity that this how your life is going to come to an end (I always imagined dying some kind of exotic death, like tripping over a garden gnome and impaling myself on a sprinkler. That's exotic right?) as your death had already been paid for by someone who is very close to you from all investigations(See, now I'm just suspicious of everyone in my family. And a work colleague. And my cat.).

I have ordered 3 (three) of my men (they better look something like this or this.) to monitor every move of you and make sure you are not out of sight till the date of your assassination(oh well, being assassinated isn't so boring).

According to the report I gets, you seem to be innocent about what you
have been accuse but I have no business with that, so that’s why am
contacting you to know if truly you are innocent and how much you
value your life(I kinda value my life, but I'll admit, I'm not as innocent as you might think. I do kill people, fictionally that is. Does that count?).

Get back to me if you sure want to live on, ignore this mail only if
you feel it’s a joke or just a threat(I'm replying via my blog. Please send your hot men to watch over me until I am killed).

Don’t forget your days on earth are numbered(I am numerically challenged, you'll have to be specific about the number of days I have left), so you have the chance to live if only you will comply with me(Oh... I see what this is about. You're channelling your inner 50 Shade, aren't you? I'm not into that shit. Sorry).

WARNING: Tell no one about this mail to you because he or she might
just be the person who wants you dead, and if that happens, I will be
aware and am going to make sure you DIE instantly(Oops. Too late now. At least they can narrow my assassin down to being somebody who reads my blog, or the originaly sender of this email. Somebody, tweet me or leave a comment to make sure I didn't DIE instantly. kthnx).

I will give you every detail of where to be and how to take any
actions be it legal or illegal(again with the 50 Shades), that’s only when I read from you.

You need to stay calm and act unaware of this situation and follow
instructions because any move you make that is suspicious; you will 

DIE as your days are numbered(you already said this, and I will again say: be specific.).

Lucky You (Indeed)

Toodle Pip!

Spike Dwaggin International Assassin / Slayer
(This adds the authenticity I needed. Now I know you mean business. I say go for it. My life has been boring of late.)

***

So there you have it. Since this will be the last post before I DIE, I just want to thank all of you for reading and those who took the time to comment. If you like, I will come back and haunt a few of you. Leave your name below and I'll add it to my list.

Lots of love and hugs,

Jani.


*Since I received this email in my spam folder, I'm staking my claim on this idea as a future novel of corny proportions. That is if I don't die. If I do, it's all yours.

8 comments:

  1. I think the "Toodle Pip!" does it, personally.

    ReplyDelete
  2. OH NO NOT SPIKE DWAGGIN!!! And here I expected you to comment on the atrocious grammar involved in the above. Well, worry not! I have dispatched my personal team of ninjas to ensure the mysterious Spike Dwaggin, International Assassin/Slayer, is UNSUCCESSFUL.

    Happy Birthday!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Marieke, putting Toodle into any form of correspondence places a stamp of approval on it :D
    Cait, I was too afraid to mention the grammar. He might make his assassins torture me before killing me. Touch a man's grammar and you touch his pride.
    Thank you for sending the ninjas, I hope they are as hot as the guys I linked above. Then again, they are ninjas, I might never actually see them.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Omg, what a post for you B'day ... lol

    Again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well, at least you get a warning, which is more than most people get =P

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow now that is an interesting letter to receive. Well now hopefully the ninjas sent have dispatched the assassins...or if they are as handsome as you hope then maybe brainwash them into being your personal servants. Waste not want not ;)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dang it! My assassin has betrayed me! Nevermind the fact that we've never interacted before. We're both e-People, so we're practically family. That counts! Right? I mean, I think it does. I'm sure it does. Sigh. Imma risk it, what with the huge sum of money I've already invested in your imminent death.

    P.S.
    You are dead, right? It was supposed to be instantaneously! If not, I think I'm due a partial refund!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hildred, I'm grateful for every minute I get to obsessively look over my shoulder.

    Eve, the idea of personal servants is pure brilliance. I like the way you think. As reward, I will send of my brainwashed me over to make sure you get coffee in bed each morning.

    Girl, my plan has work! I lured you out into the open. ePeople are as good as family, so yes, it counts. But no refund for you! I'm keeping it to compensate for the mental pain and anguish you've put me through.
    Watch your back, my hot bodyguards are coming to 'take care of you'.

    ReplyDelete