Friday, May 4, 2012

The Writer's Voice #96 Denizens (YA Urban Fantasy)

 This novel is being rewritten. Thank you for all the kind comments, I adore each and every one of you.


Wish me luck!

I'm so sorry if some of you have had trouble commenting. I changed the comments to a popup window. Hope that helps.


Thanks to everybody leaving awesome words. I love it!


Good morning!

I had issues yesterday. ISSUES. But thanks to the wonderful people in my writing community, I got to enter. Big, HUGE, thanks to Cait Peterson for enter for me. Damn time zones. Thanks to everybody who offered to help me out. I love you all.

Right. Below you'll find my query and first 250ish words. I know it's possible that one of the coaches might not pick my entry, I'm okay with that, so if any of you have comments or suggestions on how to make my query better, leave a comment. If not, just say hi :D I'm open to suggestions. Congrats to everybody who made it through and good luck!

Query

Seventeen-year-old Fairley Cohen can turn any mirror into a portal, an ability she’s kept under wraps while she went about thieving and spying on others for profit and entertainment. Guilt prods her into leaving for a new city to make amends, only to find that she has to guard her secret more closely than ever.

In her new city, she discovers this ability marks her as one of the city’s four rulers; a position she was born into.  Fairley knows it’s her responsibility to look after the preternaturals who belong to the Misfit Seat, and that she’s leaving them vulnerable by staying hidden. But she also knows there’s no way the other Denizens will accept her when they learn about her past. Then Fairley’s talent for staying hidden is tested when the other three Denizens send a gargoyle to track her down.

Soon Fairley has more than just the Denizens and their stone-cold warrior to worry about. People from her past are searching for a box she stole years ago, and they are more than willing to kill for it.

The time has come for Fairley to step up. She needs to figure out what’s so important about one seemingly insignificant box, dodge mercenaries, and find a way to be the Denizen everyone wants her to be, while every instinct tells her to run. If she doesn’t, it’s more than her life that will end. It will mean the end of the Denizens, and allow an enemy to rise to power.

First 250ish words

I never imagined something as simple as a wooden box would have me running for my life through an antique store. Then again, in my line of work some encounters went down smooth as glass while others ended with prospective clients trying to dismember me. But so it goes.
A searing pain sliced through my upper right arm, and a quick glance down showed blood welling from a stinging cut an inch deep. My inner girly girl growled at having my clothes damaged and it fueled my anger.
I ran past where the knife had imbedded itself in a dark wooden dresser, its handle still vibrating from the impact.
The knife’s owner nipped at my heels. I turned the last corner and spotted a mirror at the end of the aisle. My chaser swore as he stumbled over an old suitcase I’d thrown into his path before turning the corner, the words kindling my humor at the situation. Things were about to get a whole lot more challenging for him.
I pushed my legs harder, the sound of the man’s feet smacking the floor on the other side of the passageway urging me on. I hadn’t been caught yet, hadn’t been discovered, and I intended on keeping it that way. The thought gave me the extra speed I needed.
Mere feet away from my mirror, I pushed myself forward with one last burst of strength, and dived straight at the reflective surface.

40 comments:

  1. I'm lucky enough to have read the whole MS and absolutely LOVED it! Great voice, a really unique MC and a wonderful story. Good luck in the contest Jani! :)

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    1. Thanks, Kat! Aside from my pants' zip breaking, this is a good way to start my Friday!

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  2. Wow, AWESOME action-packed beginning! Fairley is on tough cookie, being able to take a gash on her arm and inch deep and only be stressed about her clothes. :-) I love how her voice comes through so strong even when she's focused on running. Sounds so cool Jani!

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  3. And I'm lucky enough to be reading this story right now and it's all kinds of awesome. Spunky MC, intrigue and lots of action! Go Jani!!! :D

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  4. Sounds like a fast-paced, action-packed story - best of lucj with the competition! :)

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  5. Woo! Jani, I'm so glad I got you in - this sounds awesome!! Good luck!

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    1. You got me in, so THANK YOU! We share the gargoyles. See? I knew I liked you for a reason. Good taste.

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  6. I also read the whole MS and it's awesome! Action-packed, with enough hints of romance, and unique twists ;)
    Go, Jani, go!

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    1. Lots of hugs coming your way, Juliana.

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  7. I've read the whole thing & it's AWESOME! Good luck!

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    1. Thanks, Jenny! Good luck to you too!

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  8. Whhhhhhyyyyyyy haven't I read this?! Your opening is made of awesome.

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    1. Yey! I'm so happy you like it!

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  9. Hi Jani, I'm stopping by from the Writer's Voice Contest to wish you the best of luck! I'm following your blog now too, so: nice to meet you.

    And I see you're reading A Game of Thrones. It's a wild ride, enjoy!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by, Matthew. I'll definitely to the same.

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  10. I've seen this story in contests before, and I just love it. The concept, the writing - it sounds amazing. Good luck in the contests.

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  11. Now I've got two reasons to keep tabs on the writer's voice. I hope I don't have to choose, because I know #146 too. Just wanted to wish you good luck. Go get 'em!

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    1. Good to see you here, Brian :) #146 go picked, yey, sadly not me. But there's always next time!

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  12. This sounds SO fantastic! I love the opening - so full of suspense and action! And the concept is really cool! I want to read more!!! Good luck with this!!

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    1. Thank you, Jamie! Congrats on getting picked, I absolutely LOVE your concept and what I've seen of it. At least one Grey made it in ;)

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  13. Action-packed, and I absolutely loved when she gets cut and only cares about her clothes. Hhehe, she thinks she's a girly girl ;) Love the premise, and good luck in the contest!

    SC (#159)

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    1. lol My MC is a very practical girl, therefore she's more worried about her clothes than herself. Thank you for commenting.

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  14. Good luck one contestant to another!

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  15. This concept is fascinating! I feel like everything makes sense and isn't far fetched. LOVE the action. Best of luck!

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    1. Thanks for the awesome comment :D

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  16. Wow, loving the idea of mirror portals! And the name Fairley is unique :-) I really enjoyed reading your entry. Best of luck!

    Ashley #78

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    1. I loved the name Fairley the moment I saw it, glad you like it too :)

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  17. Comment Jacky emailed me when my comment box didn't want to work:

    My girly-girl (should I posses such a thing) is firmly hidden on the inside, so this was a real LoL moment for me (I don't have many, being a stiff-upper-lipped Brit). This made me think of 10th Kingdom - one of my all-time faves, but it sounds like you have invented your own unique backdrop for a great character to play out her story.
    Kudos Jani from another J Gray (the Scottish version) - there are 3 of us so far.
    Cheers and oodles of Good Luck,
    Jacky (#130)

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  18. I love the whole mirror thing! :) Good luck!

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    1. Thanks Carrie. Love your entry, I hope you get picked.

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  19. Nicely written everything, query and first 250. Aren't all mirrors magical? Good luck from a fellow hopeful.

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    1. I love mirrors, though not looking at myself in them, of course. Good luck to you too!

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  20. Just stopping by to say good luck!

    Krystalyn #87

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    1. Thank you! Good luck to you as well.

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  21. Love your query. Good luck!

    ~Nicole, entry 68

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    1. Thanks, Nicole! Same goes to you.

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